I have always considered growing up as something that I did when I was a kid.  As an adult, I was grown up……as in past tense……been there, done that.  I have also learned that in me, I have my little boy and my adult and that growing up is the relationship between those two parts of me.  What I have learned this week is that I am still growing up.

When my mother died in November, I had no idea of what that would mean.  What I realize now is that I just moved up in line and that as long as my mother was alive, my little boy felt safe.  As an adult, I deal with the anxiety of uncertainty and responsibility, yet somehow the little boy in me knew my mother would always make it OK. Now that she is gone, things are different.  This struggle has created suffering in my life and as I can accept my struggling, I become aware and awake.  Part of my struggle also has to do with my children as they grow up.  This mirroring between my relationship with my mother and the relationship with my children has helped me see how hard it is for me to let go of controlling my suffering and to step into the belief that we are all connected and that suffering creates gratitude and compassion within me.  I realize the question of a child is….. Who are they? (parents) and of an adolescent…Who am I?(self identity).... and of an adult…Who are we? (our place in the world). I am in the question.

So this week I have sat with the discomfort of not knowing.  Growing up is not just about the path from a boy to a man, but it is my path of creating a meaningful life of intention by opening myself to change, staying connected,  and knowing that I am embracing hope as well as suffering on my journey to compassion and meaningfulness.