One of the most powerful questions that I can ask, either myself or someone else, is what’s at risk to make a clear choice and to know what the cost of that choice is.  Risk creates a shift in my consciousness that takes me through shame and fear to eventually get what I want. 

The first time I heard this question was when I went through the New Warrior Training Adventure with the Mankind Project.  We used this on the weekend and we used it every week in our Integration Groups to get at what we wanted and what was blocking us from getting it.  Although it sounds like a very simple question to answer…….it is not…..at least for me.  This is when I really got in touch with the part of me that likes to stay vague with my choices because when I am vague I can stay stuck or I can stay in my victim.  When I get clarity, I get power to move forward. 

Recently when I completed the Shadow Work Basic Facilitators Training, we took the What’s at Risk concept to a much deeper level.  What I learned was that when I get in shame and fear about something I want to change in my life, if I can examine the risk and gain clarity then I can look at new options, create a better self-understanding, create more compassion for myself and others, and most of all create more safety for me to keep looking at these areas of fear in my life.  Most of the time it is fear of something that stands in the way of me getting what I want.

So what I have looks like this…….I can have what I want if I am willing to take the risk to get it.  That is my work and my risk.

Every year I put together a collage for the New Year.  This is a ritual MP and I have been doing for a few years now.  It is a collection of words, art, and key images about what I want for the upcoming year.  I guess in short it is what really matters to me.  This is a concept that I lose track of when I get into stress and worry.  That is why I hang this collage right over my desk so that every day I can reconnect with what is really important for me, not all the millions of rabbit trails my fear wants to take me down.

This year has been one of the most impactful years of my adult life.  My life has changed so much and I am stepping into places that I only dreamed I would.  What I have found is that the hardest part for me with all this change has been to fully embrace that I deserve all this good in my life.  I have some deep messages that keep cycling over and over that shows up every day as fear, worry, anxiety, and shame.  The only way that I have found to embrace all my gold is to really focus on what matters to me because most of the voices I deal with are just illusions and my fear based ego.

This year my collage says…..Live your best year, It’s that good, Laughter can set people free, I am beautiful on the inside, Create something great, Tone Shaper, Men of a Certain Age, Building a Peaceful & Compassionate Society, Lighten up for Enlightenment, Share the Love, Go with the Flow, The Art of Receiving, Intelligent Optimist, Believe, Laughter keeps you on the right path, Breathing Space, Connections, Really Listen, Soul Celebration, Something has clearly Changed and my all time favorite “I am”.

These are what really matter to me……..what really matters to you?

As I was walking around Memorial Park this morning and watching all the people pass by, I could not help but to think what I would see if I could lift the “sheet” that covers us all when we are out in public and really see what was going on with each and every person there.

One thing is for sure, it would not look like the people passing by me one by one.  Some would be angry, some would be sad, some would be really happy, some would be dealing with life threatening diseases, some would be giddy with excitement about the person they met last night, some would be thinking about their relationships, some would be getting ready for marriage….some for divorce, some would be thinking about how many pounds they want to loose and how that might make them happier or if they don’t loose them….sadder……. and some would be thinking about what I was thinking about them and on and on. 

I know that I keep a “sheet” over me every day and only show the world what I feel safe to show.  Over the years I have gotten better at being more transparent yet I know there will always be shadows, good and bad, in my closet.  I have learned to create safe spaces to be vulnerable in and I have also learned in those spaces how to show compassion to the others who dare to come and bare their sole.  There is a big price to pay sometimes when we get vulnerable and there is also considerable power in our truth and authenticity. 

My journey this life time is to keep taking that risk to be open, vulnerable, truthful, and authentic……EVERYWHERE I go…..not just where it serves me.  So today I am choosing to keep compassion in my heart for all of us who dare to be open and vulnerable and for all of us who are scared, confused, and aren’t ready yet……it’s never too late. 

There have been a handful of times in my life where I have simultaneously held the old and the new.  My move today is one of them.  I have taken these last few days and cleared my schedule so I could be present at a time in my life where I was consciously moving from one stage to another. 

In my garage are a series of piles.  The first one is the trash pile that will be hauled to the curb and will find its way out of my life for good.  The second pile is a pile that is going to charity and will be picked up and recycled for other people to get joy out of the things I once got joy from.  And the third pile is what is going to the new house, the things that survived and still have some usefulness in my life.  This sounds like a clear divination to me.  What I did not count on was how hard the choice was going to be on certain objects.  So I created a system…..if I had not used, seen, or touched this item in the last five years, it was gone…(obviously with the exception of heirlooms, photos, kids pics, etc.).  At that point the only decision was if the item had life in it to be given to charity or was it off to junk land.  You would not believe the logic that I have heard not only come out of my mouth in talking to myself but also the amazingly creative thoughts I have had just to hold on to stuff that is no longer in my life…everything has a story, a meaning or an intention…..….just like the stack of music or the books that I will get to “one day” or “just in case” I want to use them in the future……you never know.

Well, this time I do know and what I know is that change is about letting go of the old and embracing the new.  It is uncomfortable, scary and exciting all at the same time.  My life will never be the same and I am not sure what is ahead of me.  What I also know is that nature abhors a vacuum and I look forward to seeing what stories come into my life in the form of new and wonderful stuff.

In the midst of all that has been going on in my life in the last month, I got reintroduced to a great quote that hit me squarely right between the eyes. “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about dancing in the rain.”  I have read that at least 50 times this week.

 So many times when I get under stress and have lots of anxiety, I hold my breath, put my head down, and plow forward with very focused and limited vision.  As a result of that style of moving forward, I miss so much.  That is metaphorically “holding my breath and waiting for the storm to pass.”  This way of dealing with stress does work…….I just miss so much in the process.  One of the great examples of this was last year when I was taking my daughter up to school and loading and unloading all her clothes, furnishings, etc., I was moaning about how hot it was, how much work it was, hurrying the process so we could just get through with all this work and she turned to me and said “You know Dad, you will miss this when you don’t have to do this anymore.”……….she was so right.  After the weekend was over and I was making that long drive home from Fort Worth by myself, I truly got what she was saying.  I had waves of sadness come over me when I thought that I would no longer get to help her move and be part of her life that way.

So the list of things to do is long and I am right in the middle of one of the biggest change storms of my life and I just signed up for dance lessons from my daughter.  She is cooking us lunch, we have a wonderful day of packing ahead of us, driving to Fort Worth tomorrow, and I am choosing to dance in the rain, even though there is not a cloud in sight.